Most victims of domestic violence will not volunteer that they are being abused. They may not even think of themselves as a victim of domestic abuse. You may want to begin by asking:

• Does your partner ever make you feel controlled or afraid?
• What happens when you disagree with your partner?
• Does he/she put you down? Threaten you? Hurt you?

Depression, abusive use of alcohol & medications, and a history of attempted suicide may be present in victims. A recurrent history suggestive of being "accident-prone" is an important clue. An overly solicitous partner who attempts to answer questions directed to the victim or, in contrast, one who bullies and criticizes are also helpful diagnostic clues. Victims with ongoing symptoms of abuse have frequent and recurrent interactions with physical and mental health providers and may be labeled as "hypochondriacs."

Words of caution — Asking questions about possible abuse in the presence of the suspected abuser may result in further abuse. A private meeting is frequently prohibited by the abuser. Also note that many victims of domestic abuse do not feel that their situation "qualifies" because they have never been beaten. The abuser may have put a gun to her head, slapped her, kicked a hole in the wall next to her, killed a pet, threatened to kill her, the children or himself. Joint therapy or mediation are dangerous and are never a good idea when domestic violence is an issue.

What can you do to help?

• Validate the experience for the victim. Don't blame her. Understand the economic, social, religious, and other reasons why she may stay.
• Tell her you are afraid for her safety and the safety of her children.
• Teach the children how to call 911.
• Tell her no one deserves to be abused. Accept the seriousness of what she is telling you. Don't expect immediate open communication or "miracle cures."
• Be sensitive to her need to share experiences over and over again.
• Help her regain control by making decisions for herself.
• Respect her choices. Encourage her to talk with professionals about safety issues.
• Let her keep an extra set of keys and clothing with you.
• Tell her you will always be there to help her when she needs you.
• Offer as much help as you can, but do not take risks with your own safety. Examples of help are childcare, transportation, a place to stay, a job, lending money.
• Give her the Shelter for Abused Women & Children's crisis line number, (239) 775-1101, or the Florida crisis line number 1-800-500-1119. These resources will help her find counseling, shelter, and legal remedies.
• If she can't call, call yourself and ask for advice.
• Tell her about this website, www.naplesshelter.org

Words of caution — The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when she terminates or threatens to end the relationship. It may be difficult for her to leave safely.