He walks through the door and begins to yell. He’s had a bad day and says things aren’t ‘right’ at home. Feelings swirl in your mind and emotions begin to course through your body… fear, panic, numbness.

You stand silently, not sure what to say as the disagreement becomes more heated, harsh words assaulting you. “What should I do? Walk away? Take a deep breath… apologize?”

Your silence only brings more anger and the onslaught begins to escalate. Verbal jabs and yelling turn to threats: “If you walk out that door, you’ll be sorry.” “You’ll pay!”

Then, he strikes you.

You fall to the floor thinking how this happens every day now, and for something as simple as not having dinner done ‘on-time.’

 You wonder how serious a grievance not having dinner ready is going to be. “Apparently, very serious because I’m being hit with a fry pan…”

This is the life of a battered woman. The violence can be verbal, financial, emotional, psychological, sexual, or a combination of these abuses but it always degrades, demeans and becomes a form of psychological terrorism that brainwashes the victim.

So, “Why Does She Stay?” In this second installment of a six-part series exploring domestic violence, we begin to delve into the varied and numerous reasons why some victims do stay with their abusers.

The Counselors/Advocates at the Shelter for Abused Women & Children assist 4,000 victims of domestic violence face-to-face each year, and one of the most frequently mentioned reasons for staying in the abusive relationship is so obvious that we tend to overlook it – LOVE.

Abused women stay in their violent relationships despite the pain and suffering because they love their partners. “This is often one of the hardest phenomena for people who have not been battered to understand. However, many people have been in difficult relationships or jobs that they knew they should leave, but either couldn’t, or needed time to be able to depart,” explains Susan G.S. McGee in her article 20 Reasons Why She Stays: A Guide for Those Who Want to Help Battered Women.

The victim struggles to reconcile how her once kind, gentle and loving partner now is the man who batters her. She loves him and wants to believe him when he says he’s sorry, that the abuse will never happen again, things will be better when he… gets the promotion, the house sells, his dad’s health improves, etc.

Where she once thought, “There is nothing I could have done to deserve this abuse,” she slowly comes to not only believe her abuser, but identify with him. Just like prisoners of war and concentration camp survivors, the life of a domestic violence victim becomes so controlled that she learns to take sides with her batterer to survive (the Stockholm Syndrome).

Deprivation of sleep, food, water, medication, etc., coupled with verbal blows and physical assaults slash her self-esteem until she begins to think: “If I just had dinner on the table at 5 p.m., he wouldn’t have had to hit me.”

This psychological warfare steals the victim’s self-identity so that she believes what her assailant is telling her; “You’re so stupid and crazy, no one will ever believe you”; “If you ever leave, I will find and kill you, your family, kids and pets.”

He capitalizes on his power and feeds her false information to keep her under his control; “You’re family doesn’t care, they think you’re as stupid as I know you are!” Or, he uses threats and extortion to keep her in-line; “Go ahead, leave – that’s abandonment and the courts will never let you see your kids again!”

One of the keys to her empowerment and freedom is finding a source of factual information (employers, loved ones, www.naplesshelter.org). Without someone to believe her, provide accurate information and help her gain the courage to file charges and protect herself, she can remain trapped within the abusive relationship.

As McGee explains, “When no one believes a battered woman, when her assailant isn’t arrested, when she is criticized and scrutinized, when he gets custody of the children, and when he tracks her down and tries to kill her, she believes what he says. Why? Because his predictions too often turn out to be true.”

If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, please call the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s 24-hour crisis line at 239-775-1101, or visit us online at www.naplesshelter.org. Remember, love isn’t black & blue.