If he hit you on the first date, chances are you would never go out with him again. But, he waits until you are in-love with him. Until he knows you, finds your weaknesses and isolates you from family and friends.

It likely starts out with something that seems innocuous. “She’ll have the steak and potatoes” when you’re out to dinner. You think “How romantic, he’s ordering for me.”

Before long, the behaviors become more controlling – you’re not allowed to answer the phone; you can’t call family or friends; or you’re at work and he calls repeatedly to ‘check-on you’.

 I was asked to write a six-part series answering the question “Why Does She Stay?” regarding domestic violence victims remaining with their abusers.

Let me begin by stating some facts that I’ve learned while working at the Shelter for Abused Women & Children, Collier County’s only certified domestic violence center.

First, the real experts in domestic violence are the women, children and men we serve. They know first-hand what it’s like when the person you are supposed to trust most in this world becomes the person you can trust the least.

Second, although physical abuse is the most commonly recognized form of domestic violence, it’s not the only type of control used against victims – abuse can be verbal, financial, emotional, sexual, psychological, or a combination of these abuses.

Third, intimate partner abuse doesn’t discriminate on the basis of gender, socioeconomic standing, age, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation or any other ‘determining’ factor. It affects all of us.

Fourth, one woman is abused by an intimate partner every 15 seconds in the US.  That means that one in four US women will be abused at sometime in their lives.

Statistically speaking, 97% of perpetrators are men, which means the majority of victims are female. As a result, you’ll continue to see and hear shelters using ‘women’ and ‘children’ in their names (i.e., Shelter for Abused Women & Children), and articles will continue to reference women as the victims.

Despite these generalizations, men can also be victims. The Shelter for Abused Women & Children, just like intimate partner abuse itself, does not discriminate – our mission to help all victims of domestic violence, including men.

Let me be clear about another point – THERE IS NEVER ANY REASON, EVER, THAT IT IS ‘OK’ TO ABUSE SOMEONE. THE VICTIM IS NEVER TO BLAME.

Let’s also be clear that our premise (“Why Does She Stay?”) may not be the real question we need to be asking ourselves for at least two reasons, the first being that many victims do leave.

The reality is that leaving is dangerous; family, friends and coworkers need to understand there are many barriers to leaving.

In her article 20 Reasons Why She Stays: A Guide for Those Who Want to Help Battered Women, Susan G.S. McGee states, “Batterers oftentimes escalate their violence when a woman tries to leave, shows signs of independence or has left.”

Research indicates that 73% of battered women seeking emergency care sustained their injuries after leaving the abuser. Forty-three percent of female intimate partner stalking victims report the stalking began after the abusive relationship had ended.

Staying is also a dangerous proposition, and walking away is never as easy as ‘she should just leave.’ A topic we will begin addressing in the next segment of this series.

For now, please remember that there are many tools in the abuser’s arsenal that keep a victim in a violent relationship. We will address as many issues as possible in this series, but the despite common themes, there are as many reasons for staying in an abusive relationship as there are victims of abuse.

Finally, I didn’t forget the second reason why our premise question (‘Why Does She Stay?’) isn’t completely accurate, but we’ll have to wait and address later, too.

Remember, love isn’t black & blue…. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, please call the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s 24-hour crisis line at 239-775-1101, or visit us online at www.naplesshelter.org.