You pull into the driveway 30 minutes late.

You’re met at the door with an icy stare followed by a gruff “get ready” as your dress suit is thrown at your feet.

Throughout dinner you make small talk with the other guests, being sure to hold hands so everything looks ‘normal’.

On the car ride home things escalate: “Your fat and ugly. A thousand dollar suit can’t make you look good… People think I married an idiot!”

By the time you walk into the kitchen, he’s so mad he threatens to take the kids and leave you rather than dealing with someone so incompetent. You brace for another attack wondering if anyone would ever believe your husband’s ‘Jekyll/Hyde’ personality and that your ‘ideal life’ is really a nightmare.

This is the face of domestic violence. Men and women, young and aged, wealthy and poor – domestic violence does not discriminate and each victim faces an array of fears, stigmas and social conditioning that can keep him/her trapped in an abusive relationship.

Since ninety-seven percent of perpetrators are men we continue to use “women” and “children” when speaking about victims of intimate partner abuse. However, this in no way diminishes the issues faced by male victims.

In this, the fourth part of the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s six part series on “Why Does She Stay?” we look at society’s roles in perpetuating the cycle of domestic violence.

According to Susan S.G. McGee’s “20 Reasons Why She Stays: A Guide for Those Who Want to Help Battered Women” many victims find themselves trapped because of what others say. “They are told (by professionals, family, friends and the batterer) that alcohol or other drugs cause battering. They are told they are codependent, that they enable his behavior, and if they would change, then their assailants would.”

She further explains that victims may stay because they believe societal stereotypes about battered women; that victims:

• Imagine, exaggerate, fabricate or initiate the violence
• Provoke or somehow are to blame for the abuse
• Come from uneducated, poor or minority backgrounds

Or what they’re told about abusers having problems controlling their anger; or that stress and employment problems cause the battering.

“If I just had been home on time he wouldn’t have to…”, “When he gets the new job…” and a multitude of other ‘reasons’ why the batterer is not at fault combine with isolationism, threats and brainwashing to make the victim feel responsible for the abuse.

A victim who believes she’s to blame spends a lifetime pacifying the abuser only to discover, again and again, this does not work. As she continues in this cycle, it becomes more and more difficult to escape the violence.

However, domestic abuse is not about ‘loosing control’ – abusers control their behaviors extremely well choosing the “who, what, where, when and how” of their violence. They’re generally well loved by others, saving the abuse for their partner in the confines of their home.

Despite our culture’s ‘girl power’ movement, females continue to be socialized to be caring, accommodating and passive. Too often there is a high price to pay for learning to be so ‘nice’.

Although we tend to believe that the “don’t cry” mindset of boys’ socialization leads to intimate partner abuse, according to McGee it’s actually the concept of entitlement, that a partner exists solely to meet this person’s needs, which feeds abuse.

By educating ourselves on the signs of abuse, becoming aware of our own stereotypes, beliefs and the effects of social conditioning in our lives, we can become agents for social change.

As we begin to address violence among children, teens, adults, special populations and throughout society, we come to understand the vital role programs such as the Shelter’s “Hands Are for Helping, Not Hitting”, “Teen Dating Violence,” “Women of Means,” “’Gentle’men Against Domestic Violence,” “Elder Abuse Response”, etc., play in breaking the cycle of abuse.

By working together to create equality among the sexes, teaching children healthy ways to deal with emotions, shifting away from the ‘blame the victim’ mentality and, as a society, believe victims, we take the first steps to creating a community free from domestic violence.

To learn more about the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s programs and services, please call 239-775-3862, or visit us online at www.naplesshelter.org

Remember, love isn’t black & blue. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, please call our 24-hour crisis line at 239-775-1101.