If he hit you on the first date, chances are you would never go out with him again. But, he waits until you are in-love with him. Until he knows you, finds your weaknesses and isolates you from family and friends.

This was the opening line in the first of the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s six part series exploring the varied reasons why some domestic violence victims stay with their abusers.

I began the piece by explaining that the true experts in this field are the victims; that domestic violence doesn’t discriminate; and that domestic violence can be emotional, physical, psychological, financial, sexual or a combination of these abuses.

It’s worth noting again that abuse is never acceptable. The victim is never to blame.

Early on I also noted that there were two basic reasons why the premise “Why Does She Stay?” was incorrect with the first being that many victims do leave their abusers.

The second relates to an underlying conditioning that, perhaps unknowingly, leads us to focus on victims of abuse rather than their perpetrators.

“The questions we should be asking are: Why do assailants terrorize and torture their partners? Why is it that the vast majority of batterers are men and the vast majority of survivors are women? Why does the community allow battering to continue,” notes Susan G.S. McGee in her article 20 Reasons Why She Stays: A Guide for Those Who Want to Help Battered Women.

These questions ask us to challenge social conditioning and gender norms; revolutionize our thinking. They force us to shift from placing responsibility on the victim and excusing the batterer, to looking at the perpetrator and the ways society “condones, supports and gives permission for battering.”

Too often our misguided thinking leads us to believe the victim has done something to ‘deserve’ the abuse, or has something ‘wrong’ with her that results in being abused (a myth the abuser perpetuates); that somehow if she changes or leaves, he would stop.

Unfortunately, this is not the case. As we have seen throughout this series, this widely-held (albeit oftentimes covert) belief keeps victims trapped in deadly relationships.

Believing “If she really wanted to leave, she would just go,” or “How bad can it be, she’s staying?” not only dismisses the severity of the violence, but perpetuates the cycle of abuse.

As McGee explains, “We overlook the environmental barriers that prevent women from leaving, ignore how the batterer is trapping her, and too often focus on psychological ‘characteristics’ of survivors instead.”

This series of articles was put together precisely for this reason… to help raise our consciousness to a new level of understanding about the cycle of abuse.

Asking “Why Does He Batter?” begins the paradigm shift and, as McGee details, leads to more questions:

• How do so many women overcome the incredible obstacles they face to find safety and nonviolent relationships?
• When, why and how do women leave?
• How can we make it safer for victims to leave (since women are usually killed after they leave their abusers)?
• What specific aspects of counseling and support methods do victims find most and least useful?
• What can we do to ensure we’re reaching all survivors?
• How can we mobilize our communities to not only support survivors but also break the cycle of abuse so that we prevent violence?
• “And by the way, why doesn’t he leave?”

If you’ve been following this series you know that the Shelter for Abused Women & Children is working to provide safety, shelter and hope to victims of domestic violence by offering an array of prevention and intervention programs and services.

We now call on you to continue your support of victims of domestic violence by sharing what you’ve learned about abuse with those you care about and by always believing/supporting a victim who’s courageous enough to share her story with you.

We ask that you continue questioning your core beliefs about gender roles, socialization and stereotypes because it is only by working together that we can break the cycle of abuse.

For more information on the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s life-saving programs and services, please call 239-775-3862, or visit us online at www.naplesshelter.org.

Remember, love isn’t black & blue. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, please call the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s 24-hour crisis line at 239-775-1101.