No phone. No radio. No TV.

Inside your dimly lit bedroom your solace is reading the Bible.

You don’t leave; not even to use the bathroom. It’s too dangerous ‘out there’ with the drugs, alcohol and partying.

Fearful of your adult children and their friends, you gather all the strength your 88-year old body can muster and shove the dresser in front of the door.

You wait for them to leave or fall asleep; then venture out. Access to the house doesn’t provide any relief – all the food is locked-up in your son’s bedroom.

For three days you and your dogs survive on one can of ham until a friend sees you and invites you to dinner. Instead of dinning out, you find hope and safety at the Shelter for Abused Women & Children.

You sit and wonder, “How can these be the same children I spent a lifetime nurturing and protecting?” *

Abuse by an intimate partner isn’t always obvious or what we typically think of as ‘abuse’. It takes many forms – verbal, financial, emotional, psychological, sexual, physical or a combination of these – affects both genders, all ages and every socio-economic group.

Beyond abuse by a spouse, domestic violence can also include neglect, mis- or mal-treatment by familial or professional caregivers.

In this third installment of our six-part series “Why Does She Stay?” we further explore the varied reasons why some individuals remain in abusive relationships.

According to the National Center on Elder Abuse, annually some two million Americans aged 65-years and older are injured, exploited or mistreated by someone on whom they depend for care and/or protection.

This can include everything from children/caregivers asserting power of attorney over finances, healthcare decisions and lifestyle choices, to emotional torture and physical abuse.

Whether abused by a partner or caregiver, victims that contact the Shelter for Abused Women & Children often explain that financial constraints, especially when violence is coupled with health issues or raising children, are a major factor in staying with their batterer.

Living costs, especially in Southwest Florida, are a burden many victims don’t believe they can bear alone.

Finding housing, daycare and reliable transportation, as well as funds for medical care, food and other necessities, can be nearly impossible with no/poor credit, no savings and a limited or nonexistent income.

As Susan S.G. McGee explains in her piece “20 Reasons Why She Stays: A Guide for Those Who Want to Help Battered Women,” the potential costs of dealing with the abuse itself can be overwhelming – injunctions for protection, divorce proceedings and related attorney and court fees all add-up quickly.

Too often batterers can afford a skilled attorney to help win custody of the children, or have a family member declared incompetent, while victims can’t afford even basic legal representation to ensure their voices are heard.

Tragically, when victims fail to speak-up or file charges against their abusers, they are often then victimized by the legal system.

It’s not uncommon for a victim to be incorrectly arrested on abuse charges when she is actually defending herself from her abuser’s attacks. Resulting legal struggles affect child custody, power of attorney and cause additional trauma while also increasing the ‘cost’ of breaking free from the perpetrator.

For women with families, fear of loosing custody of the children is a tool the abuser uses effectively to keep her trapped in the relationship. According to McGee, “Some studies indicate that contrary to popular belief, the majority of the times that men contest custody, men are awarded custody.”

Moreover, a mother may ‘sacrifice’ herself for the sake of the children, staying so that her children have a father, are able to attend better schools, live in safer neighborhoods and have financial security.

When adult children become the abusers, the emotional, physical and financial trauma is no less dramatic. Parents are left to wonder what they did ‘wrong’ to now have to endure abuse at the hands of the very children they birthed and lovingly cared for their entire lives.

In such cases, it appears there is a high price to pay for freedom. One that many victims believe they can’t afford. With support from caring family, friends and the community, victims can find hope, safety and assistance through Shelter services, including our Elder Abuse Response program.

If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, please call the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s 24-hour crisis line at 239-775-1101, or visit us online at www.naplesshelter.org. Remember, love isn’t black & blue.

*The story included in this piece is true. It was shared by one of the Shelter’s Elder Abuse Response program participants who was living in her home with her mature (over the age of fifty) children who brought transients, alcoholics and addicts with them into their mother’s house. With the Shelter’s assistance, she is now back at home, minus her abusive children.