Tiny little feet scamper across the linoleum, moving awkwardly between ‘mama’ and ‘dada’.

What should be a joyous moment registers only as fear and regret as the tot’s mother quickly realizes that her daughter’s first steps in life are taken in an attempt to block her mother from the abuser.

The moment is etched in the mother’s memory and on her heart. “How could I do that to my baby?” she wonders as she holds the youngster.

Regrouping emotionally from both the abuser’s blows and her child’s seemingly brave yet dangerous reaction, she begins to gather belongings. Sure he’s gone off to work, she leaves for the Shelter for Abused Women & Children.

Domestic violence affects each of us. It’s a child too young to ‘understand’ who instinctually steps between her caring mother and her abusive father; a fun-loving coworker who makes excuses for not joining in ‘girl’s night out’; your daughter’s best friend wearing long sleeves all year to hide the bruises on her arms.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Some will immediately walk away; others will speak-up; more will try to make it work; some will eventually leave. Some will stay with their abusers until the end of their lives (either by natural causes or at the hand of their abuser).

It takes an average of seven attempts before a victim actually leaves her abuser. As we’ve discussed in previous segments of the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s six part series answering “Why does she stay?”, this departing time is actually one of the most dangerous times for a victim as the abuser works to reestablish control.

Typically, violence escalates; threats/torture of pets, children and family members can occur; and in a final act of power and control, some victims are murdered.

In fact, according to one study noted by Susan S.G. McGee in her piece 20 Reasons Why She Stays: A Guide for Those Who Want to Help Battered Women, “Nearly ¼ of the women killed by their male partners were separated or divorced from the men who killed them. 28.6% of the women were attempting to end the relationship when they were killed.”

Victims may stay with their abuser rather than risk the loss of a partner who ‘is a good provider” or a “good father’ or deal with potential risks of being stalked, found and punished for leaving.

In an effort to gain control over their lives, these women may reach out for counseling. In inexperienced hands, a victim may find herself in marital counseling with her abuser where the abuse cannot be addressed due to power and control issues that present in sessions.

In other instances the abuser is referred for anger management which, as McGee details, “bolsters the woman’s hope that the relationship can be salvaged, and she may stay or return. If he can be cured, she reasons (and her reasoning is supported by the therapist who is doing the counseling, who she sees as the expert), then the violence will end and their relationship can resume.”

Unfortunately, anger management is something abusers are experts at, controlling this emotion so well that coworkers, family and friends are often unaware of the verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual and/or physical abuse happening behind closed doors.

Counselors inexperienced in domestic violence may “unwittingly keep a woman in a violent relationship by fostering erroneous beliefs in the positive outcomes of therapy, anger management or specialized batterers intervention programs,” continues McGee.

It’s the abuser’s ability to be romantic, charming and sensitive at the ‘right’ times that keeps hope alive for his victim. These positive behaviors, coupled with repeated claims that he will change, keep her in the abusive relationship.

Only by receiving accurate and honest information can she make the safest choice for her and her children. This is why it’s vital to raise awareness about domestic violence; bring attention to some of the varied reasons why women stay in abusive relationships; and educate the community about the Shelter’s life-saving programs and services.

When it comes to breaking the cycle of abuse, knowledge and empowerment save lives.

To learn more about the Shelter for Abused Women & Children’s programs and services, please call 239-775-3862, or visit us online at www.naplesshelter.org

Remember, love isn’t black & blue. If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, please call our 24-hour crisis line for help: 239-775-1101.